when she is in my heart

when i was small, i was so close to my parents. i used to be their talking puppet that never stop talking. i only stopped when i am not suppose to talk that was sulking. even when i got mad, my mouth and my hands were at the same pace. and mom used to be so strict to me that time. i was naughty, never know how to behave like a real girl.every time i made mistake, cover it up was my ability. but she never failed to make me feel guilty.

i was a teenager when my mom and dad had a real fight. at that time i shed my tears in front of the dad. knowing my ego, that was not me. i don't like to be seen as a week daughter. during my secondary school time, i hate to go out with my parents. i found it was uncool.  i was still rebellious that time. i always thought of running from home as early as eleven.  i just wanted to explore world and being independent at most of the time.

my mom is a great woman. we used to have financial crisis and she handled it calmly. even though i was pretty naughty and rebellious, yet i knew how to help my family. i used all my savings to help my mom to pay out the debts and she did pay me back. i barely understand what happening that time, but i knew i want to help them. it was tough seeing a mom raising  4 kids even though.. i should keep the details to myself.

our washing machine was once broken and she used to wash all the laundry by her bare hands. she turned older than real age. i pitied her. my eldest sister was not at home that time when i saw her going through the moments. but then i was separated when i need to enter boarding school. it was cool  but sad moments. for the first time i shed tears when i called my mom.it was awkward.

i was in university when dad found collapsed during his badminton time. my mom was the one who worried most. i could see the teary eyes every time she was trying hard to recall the bad day. she did take care of my dad even though we knew how stubborn he was and is to accept his condition. she never stops trying till now, taking care his health and always give him good meals.

she is now retired. staying at home all day. that is why i can't leave her. i am working in a place that took me the most 2 hours to get to. i used to complaint a lot. but i just can't move out. she needs me. even though i am not her best daughter and still talking back some times, but deep in her heart, i believe she relieves having me by her side. i am looking forward into my marriage but i am not sure how to handle this. will i be able to move out and live comfortably in my own house? i will have another mom, and i need to be fair. being the last child in family does pressure me a lot. because i can see the house turning empty and sad face of my mom. in her heart, she is lonely and hoping me to be there with her every day. that is what i am trying to do for the past 4 years. even when i am out for a while with my friends, i cant get her out of my mind. if i eat good food outside, i should bring back better food for her. missing her is like every seconds. i wonder what will happen if she no longer here one day. it is a thing i am not ready to go through because i still have lots of thing to do to make her happy. i hope my children will love me too one day just like i feel for my mom, no matter how good or bad i am.